arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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