i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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