it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
