I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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