I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
