When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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