I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You dont lie about slip and slides
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
