Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
