I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
