I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
