I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
