glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
