I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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