I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
