I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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