She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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