I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
