I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
