meet me or not, i'm out of control
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
