Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
