My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
