Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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