I think I won the penis lottery.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
