I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
