Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
