you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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