Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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