yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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