So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
