i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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