i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Couch. On fire.
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