Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
