fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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