I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
