my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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