She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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