Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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