So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
