I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
