she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
