Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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