these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
