Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(616): View more from Michigan

I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me

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(720): View more from Colorado

I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.

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(817): View more from Texas

She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.

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(+82): View more from

I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me

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(734): View more from Michigan

Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table

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