just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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