anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
