I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
