"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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