my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
