I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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