Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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