in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
